4/23/26
eating pirouettes with a new triangle in my face. not knowing how to account for my actions over the past few months -- both erratic and earnest. I had gotten a fortune that predicted this. now i am drunking milk with V at Tasty's over waffle and meatloaf. also- how to tell a girl that 'work' is actually rehab? that and I love it and yesterday rehab was laser tag
4/15/26
delete lick. SM told me I am not a catfish
4/14/26
alas, I received a myChart alert that my Primary Care Physician has died. the message thanks her for contribution to awareness. what do you call that? not that, but how I feel
4/13/26
wrote a number of unsent letters that will go unwitnessed except for this reference. i am embarking on a quest to drown out the rattle of memory and nostalgia with novel experiences (calculated, artificial). doubtless that this haunting will persist, but i am trying. yesterday was a happy one- thinking about how even fingernails hold this r******c charge, what with being asked to clip them and i dumb-blindly still do with cheap, self lacerating hope. oh but waltz, french tip, limelight. see how desperate i am to masticate on something- cite the letters, the books, the underwear, the soup. the large head of cabbage, the stone fruit. humbug can i not replicate this joy- no. but other joys abound, like lips, Grey Gardens, having everything to write about forever, cetology, and plate platonics (haha). I love lists, words, materials, connection, and addressing secret 'you'
using photos to represent myself right now feels impossible so i am catfishing. i say "you look like you could teach me something. would you please?" verbal feminine lilt match 'pre-transition' images. so i am feeling guilty and manufacturing dissonance and therefore manufacturing the conditions or simulacrum of the 'betrayal'. ipso facto if my non-emaciated quasi-androgynous presence is accepted then that hurt may be fucked and then healed.
actually i might be titillated because desperation makes me feel alive
4/6/26
redacted some things. on easter we disposed of our christmas tree in an orderly fashion. feeling as though i have no filter which is actually quite different from truly having no filter. ultimately not sure, can't see outside. oh and just heard the garbage truck come to probably pick up our tree and many of Venus' little hard shits and the daffodils in their pot. rehearsing saying things like "Totally"... "Naturally"... "it makes sense that you would feel that way"... oh this is a grim means of dismissing heartache,, i feel hunted by sanity logics that seek to dismantle my romantic view of the world - if something feels real that makes it real. wrote an essay about all the objects in my room and will probably write another and another because they collect in meaningful ways I could not possibly forsee and i am learning how to edit (haha). my hair is in braids and i am wearing the cherry bomb shirt and boxers (my cock inthem). the self imposed boundary or hurdle is only meaningful as long as you abide by it, in that it is only really biding time for 'rational thinking' to supplant impulse- a god pause. there is a banging downstairs which is making me nervous, but it has since gone quiet.
1/8/26
minimally fingered extrusion. the accession record or when you give me wet stuff. oh and your microclimate, make you a girlish inventory, file restriction. in naive crevace detect an arrangement or a purposeful order. finding aid, prescription, make you a funny text about cum. unbindered, unfoldered, all the newspapers gone. the scope concise where i fit nice there
11/12/25
orgone
10/17/25
Henry Wellcome who marketed invisible ink and invented or just popularized pills or /Tabloid/ medicine and who collects forgeries and exhibits forceps. yesterday i ordered 3 clipboards on ebay to make paintings on.
9/12/25
her hot flashes, chest pain, new red shirt, still hurting. I followed JE to the community garden and got two tomatoes
9/4/25
the numb is odd, its back, a little knob, obsessed with my edge, a number of crumbs, so banal. dysphoria a moving target i want to draw but now im reading, stopped listening to music except tonight i am going to the Kali Malone concert with J. forgot about my "secret project" where i was going to try and understand 'what is ambient music'. would have come in handy had i completed it maybe. a few people have told me what it is and isnt, like elevator sounds or something to jerk off to
8/19/25
tripped and got a skinned knee before the invocation. lover of dogs; lover of echo. the bride now knows and sees the ineffable because she is wearing glasses
5/11/25
2/4/25
in June dancing spiders
so of course her legs are tired
bound in a scribble of lace
her honeysuckle spit soothes
and buzzes only bees
smelling of rhubarb and gasoline
1/27/25
archival ache. the glowing red edge of every variable
1/25/25
awwww it makes sour sweet and billow when a little curl comes down to say hello. happy birthday sydney. we are all going to the butcher :-) 7 lucky pretty lucky
Words to Remember!
Spangled, deference
MORE WORDS HERE1/15/25
SB said that it is is vogue to hate on Surrealism. VH is liking Cubism now. my silly Bonnard book
Every day bringing home new art books -- today Magritte and Klee. Yesterday Braque, Rauschenberg, Rosenquist, another Darger, etc.
1/8/25
the serenity prayer *!=&=!* god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference
12/23/24
hadn't expected the roof to be caved in -- and because of that the flood -- and all of that brought animals -- and those animals dropped things too. i knew there would be belongings there, but photographs on the carpet? why are all the chairs knocked over? what did they do with the organ?
D brought a bottle for G and wanted me to present it to him. i walked in on a coughing fit and went "i think i have something that might help with that." seeing it was serious, i just sat down with the bottle in my lap. and looking over and looking away like everyone was because he kept apologizing. caught his breath enough to say "should i go in the other room?" and then cough cough coughed, just the bottle in my lap lap lap.
11/14/24
un-twig-snap, log slump, housebroke chernobyl pony, the slow moan of trunk bent overcontraption of wheels, pulleys, axels, levers
10/18/24
Make chastity with a thin line that splits
Open to reveal a fatty layer
Get clasp hold down want yawn
Belt, cord, rubber, glue
Fierce perfect blue and pop
Bandaid, famished billygoat findings
A wet pilsner sock
Embroidered with mums, cat food
A green branch o’ happy day, frustrated
Ecosystem of cuts, economy of
Card, key, lip, purse
Clip curl, finger wag, menthol ick
Precipitate limp, mummify good
11/1/24
inventory of bats. its bats (still) with echolocation format entirely fabricated and shamefully erased. you are keeping the bats close, but at a safeand imaginary distance. on the clipboard you record. You Do It Wrong! its too-there, too-fixed, wants to be gone, needs to be vague
Spit
neo-romantic spit, brutish spit, corn spit, guest spit, yogurt spit, dog spit, under the bed spit, ultra violet guide to 40 years of spit
8/21/24
nothing Everclear. chromosome, scotch tape. palm, sofa, secret, lop-eared. a sole coin, a core, a pit.
no, not pit, fuck, grocery list. a rash from the stream. unspool fishing line, leave it there, you like it there. 'everything is a pile'
in the light of maybe maybe maybe. alchemical flirt. the messy mnemonic. the thumb arthritis. make daybreak where pressurized systems are tired, and when im talking to U, bats!
7/30/24
when the window opens and I close it and i open and where is the dust coming from and when its in my mouth so the dust is coming from my mouth i think and Im asking everyone about the dust a nd it looks like and someone said its coming from the window and coming from my mouth and girls have those!
7/3/24
its really hard to find a silkworm when you set out to. they release proteolytic enzymes while still in the cocoon just to make a pinhole way out. and people know this, so they boil the cocoons in water to kill the larvae and prevent them from squirming and schemeing their way into the world, because of course that would damage the silk. somewhere there are abandoned cars and knocked over mailboxes and other hopeful pockets of the earth just filled with gauze and worms. there are hidden places that make me stay faithful to awe and settle myself within a doctrine of kitten truths. im asking nicely now
5/8/24
"a horse is lame when its normal stance or gait is changed by a problem in one or more of the limbs, neck, trunk, or quarters... mechanical pain... lameness produces lameness"
4/?/24
Bella Hadid sling-back Miu Miu destruction fanfic
